Banta - The Magician

Banta was magician and used to work on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week, so the Banta used to do the same tricks over and over again and receive applause every time.

There was one problem though. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

Banta was furious at times, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day it so happened that while Banta was performing his tricks, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the tenth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up, This trick is something new. Where's the bloody ship?"

Banta's first air travel

Banta was asked by his company to travel to London for bussiness visit. It was Banta's first air travel and he was scared.

When he abroad the flight, He started feeling better seeing the crowd and their ease and comfort. And the plane was off to London peacefully..

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising
altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop
from Delhi to London.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!


Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking
to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

Banta stood up and yelled... 'You come here ... you should see the
back of mine first!!!'

Banta as Surgeon

Banta was renowned surgeon of the city.

A person went into hospital one day to undergo a risky medical procedure.

He spoke to Banta (Head surgeon) earlier to explain that I was a little nervous, but Banta reassured him following way.

"There's only a 1 in 100 chance of anything going seriously wrong," he said.

"Besides, I've done 99 of these operations before and they've all been fine."

Boy vs Girl

Boy: I think you are ABCDEFGHIJK.

Girl: What does that mean?

Boy: Adorable, beautiful, charming, delightful, elegant, feisty, gorgeous and hot.

Girl: And the 'IJK'?

Boy: I'm just kidding!!

The Pope and KFC Deal

When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea. He got in touch with the Pope and asked him whether they could change the words of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken."

"I can't possibly do that" said the Pope.

Not even for 100,000 dollars?" asked the colonel.

"No, not even for 100,000 dollars.

6 months later and KFC sales were declining even further. The colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope. This time he offered 500,000 dollars to change the words from "bread" to "chicken".

Again, the Pope refused. I can't possibly change the words of the Lord's prayer" he repeated.

Another six months by and KFC sales had reached an all time low, and the company was in danger of going out of business. Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord's prayer.

"I'll donate 50million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word "bread" to "chicken""

There was a pause.

"That is a lot of money" the Pope conceded.

"So you'll do it?"

"I'll have to discuss it with the Cardinals"

So the Pope called a meeting of the Cardinals. He began,

"I have good news that, KFC are going to donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican.
The bad news is, we'll have to end the Britania account."

Lord Shiva in bar!!

One day Lord Shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So
he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Delhi and asked the bartender:

"What all do u have"?

Bartender : "We have whisky, rum, vodka, gin, beer etc etc.".

Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first, give me 5 bottles of whisky".

After having 5 bottles of whisky, Lord Shiva decided to try Rum.

Bartender was shocked :"Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky,he is still on his feet".

After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles
of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.

Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him : "Sir,who are you??

I've seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"???

Lord Shiva : "VATS, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain". (Translation: Son, I am Lord Shiva)

Bartender : AB CHADHI ISKO!! (Translation: Now It has an effect!!)

A Jewish Couple

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

THE LATERAL THINKING PUZZLE 8 - LAWN MESS

It was a sunny day after many days of snow fall.

Albie was walking past Morkel’s house when he noticed 5 pieces of coal, a carrot and a scarf lying on Benny’s lawn. He thought that was odd so he knocks on Morkel’s door and asks, “Why did you put those bits and pieces on your lawn, Morkel?”

“I didn’t put them there,” says Morkel,“ in fact, nobody put them on my lawn.

But there is a perfectly logical reason for that being there.”

WHAT IS THAT REASON?


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Answers in comment after few days!!

The Lateral Thinking Puzzle 7 : Raining puzzingly

Albie, Morkel, David and John were walking home together after attending their weekly Management class. It started to rain so all four of them set off on a run.

Albie, Morkel and David got home with soaking wet hair, but John didn’t get his hair wet at all.

John was not wearing a hat or helmet, nor was he carrying an umbrella,
and he didn’t stop anywhere to take shelter as well.


WHY DIDN’T JOHN GET HIS HAIR WET?
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PS:
Answer will be in comment after few days either by me or someone else :-)

The Lateral Thinking Puzzle 6 : The strange case of the tennis matches

Albie and Morkel are keen tennis players.

One Sunday, they go to their local tennis club and play 3 tennis matches in a row.Then they left.

Afterward, over coffee, they realized that they had both lost and won the same number of matches. How can that be possible?

PS: Remember in tennis there is no draw match.

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Ans => Look for answer in comment after few days

Lateral Thinking Puzzle 5 -- The case of a lucky man

Morkel went early to his friend’s party. As soon as he got there, Morkel drank a glass of punch (a drink containing alcohol) from the punch bowl.

But he then received an urgent message and left the party early.

He later found out that everyone else at the party who drank some punch subsequently died of poisoning.


WHY DIDN’T MORKEL ALSO DIE?


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Look for answer in comment after some days......

Lateral Thinking Puzzle 4 -- The London rain

London in April is well known for being very rainy and all the locals wear raincoats.

But not Albie. He is on holiday in London and has no coat or hat or umbrella.

After a nice afternoon tea he decides to go back to his hotel by walking across St James Park.

When Albie gets back to his hotel, he is absolute dry.

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PS: Look for answer in comment after some days!!

Lateral Thinking Puzzle 3 -- The crazy barman

Albie goes into a wine bar, of all places. He goes up to the barman and says, “Glass of water, please.”

The barman immediately takes a gun from under the bar and points it at Albie’s head in a menacing fashion.

Albie looks at the barman and says, “Thank you.” He then walks out of the bar.

WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENNED?

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PS: Look for answer in comment after some days!!

Lateral Thinking Puzzle 2 --- The secret of mystery book

Albie was talking to Morkel one day.

“In one of my books, Morkel, the end is in the first half of the book and the preface is in the second half. Not only that,” said Albie, “but the foreword comes after the epilogue, and the index precedes the introduction.”

“That’s amazing,” said Morkel, “What kind of book is that?”


HOW DID ALBIE ANSWER?


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PS:
Look for answer in comment after few days .... But ppl don't wait for it and go for it :-)

Lateral thinking puzzle 1 -- The acting deaf dumb driver

Pammo was in a taxi on her way home. Baljeet, the taxi driver, knew she was a frequent visitor to the mall and is a well-known chatterbox. So he didn’t want to engage in conversation with her. So he pretended to be deaf and dumb. He pointed to his ears and mouth to indicate to her that he couldn’t hear or speak. This ruse seemed to work. The journey was peacefully silent.

When they arrived and Pammo had got out the taxi, Baljeet pointed to his meter.

Pammo looked at the meter, read what she owed him, paid him and walked off. But she almost immediately realised that Baljeet couldn’t have been a deaf mute.


HOW DID SHE KNOW THIS?



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(Answer would be in comment if I didn't get it after 4 days :-) .... your time starts now...)

Aliens understanding the golf

Two aliens are visiting Earth to research the sports played on earth.

One day, their spaceship hovers over a golf course and the two aliens watch a solitary golfer in sheer amazement.

The golfer hits the tee shot, shanks his second into the rough deserted piece of land, takes three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, slices the next shot into the bushes, then takes a putter to get it out and on to the fairway again.


One alien says to the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game. They continue to observe the golfer.

The golfer then hits a shot into a bunker by the green, takes several shots to get out of the bunker and finally onto the green, and puts several times until he finally gets the ball into the hole.

At this point, the other alien says to his partner, "Aah, now he's really in some serious trouble!"

The New Comedian

Albie is always telling jokes and thinks he could make a great stand-up comedian. So when one of his friends suggests he do a try out, Albie volunteers to entertain patients in one of the wards at a nearby hospital.

Albie starts by telling the patients some jokes and finishes by singing some funny songs.

Just before he leaves, he says to the patients, "I hope you all get better."

One elderly male replies, "I hope you get better, too."

Karthik calling karthik :-)

The lost wallet

Banta had a habit of panicking over small events.

Once He rushes up to his wife Pammo and says, almost crying, "I can’t find my wallet. I’ve been looking for it everywhere. What should I do? I had over 2000 Rs in it, and all my credit cards, Oh Lord have mercy!!"


"Calm down Banta," replies Pammo, "we just came back from shopping, so did you look in your jacket?"


"Yes, of course I did," replies Banta, "do you think I’m a fool? I’ve looked in my jacket’s inside pockets three times already and it’s not there."


"So what about your trouser pockets?" asks Pammo.

"I’ve looked in there too," replies Banta, "but my wallet isn’t in either pocket.

What shall I do, Pammo? What shall I do?"

"Oh stop worrying like a kid," says Pammo. "What about the side pockets of your jacket? Have you checked your wallet isn’t in there?"

"I’m not such a big fool yet, Pammo," Banta cries. "Of course I haven’t looked in my jacket’s side pockets......

Why should I give up the last bit of hope I have left?"

Reading out report card

Banta was reading out his son Bunty's report card. As he reads through the card he sees,

Hindi 43
English 39
Mathematics 42
Social studies 46
Science 41
computers 37
drawing 44
Dancing 90

As soon he finishes, He gives gentle slap to his son.
Ouch,What?, says Bunty. Didn't you see I got so high marks for dancing?

With mark like these,"replies Banta", You still felt like dancing.

Banta - The vaccum cleaner salesman

Banta got a job of salesman in a vaccum cleaner company. As he was street smart guy and had a amazing knack of convincing people, He was very confident he will do good.

As he was entering into a colony in search of his first potential customer, He saw some dog shit on the path. His eyes lit up and decides what gimmick he is going to give and try it right way.

He picks up the dog shit, puts them into one of his vacuum cleaner bags, wipes his hands on another bag, then knocks on the door.

Out comes an old lady sees a well-dressed Banta carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Hello," Banta says to her, "Is it OK if I take a couple of minutes of your time to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners?"

"Go away," she says to him, "I haven’t any money."

But as she starts to close the door, Banta pushes it open again. Please give me one chance, He pleads and before she can respond, Banta empties the dog turds onto her hallway carpet.

He then declares arrogantly and proudly, "If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of these dog turds from your carpet, I will immediately eat whatever is left"

And he then asks for plug point for vaccum cleaner.

The old lady replied, "Let me bring a fork for your meal instead, The Electricity Board cut off my electricity this morning because I couldn’t pay their bill."

So What?

Pammo, Banta's wife was in her garden hanging up her washing when Kammo, her next door neighbour, poked her head over the fence and said, "I don’t like being the one to have to tell you this Pammo, but there's a rumour going around that your husband Banta is chasing the girls these days."

"So what?" said Pammo.

"But at his age!" said Kammo, "He's over 70 isn’t he?"

"Right he's seventy-two, so what?" replied Pammo, "Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?"

The ultimate excuse

Banta had just picked up his wife Pammo and their new baby from hospital and brought them home.

It was not long before Pammo suggested that Banta should try his hand at changing a nappy.

"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."

The next time soon came around so Pammo asked him again.

Banta looked at Pammo and said, innocently, "I didn't mean the next nappy, I meant the next baby."

A Bear family in some forest

It's a lovely hot, sunny morning in the forest where the bear family live.

There was mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear.

Baby bear goes downstairs for breakfast and as usual sits down in his small chair at the end of the table. He looks at his small plate and guess what? It’s empty.
"Who's been eating my breakfast?" he shouts.

Daddy bear then makes an appearance and sits in his big chair. He looks at his big plate and guess what? It too is empty.
"Who's been eating my breakfast?" he roars.

On hearing all this complaining, Mumma bear puts her head through the serving hatch and shouts at Daddy bear and Baby bear.

"How many times do we have to go through this? she shouts

It was mummy bear who got up first.
It was mummy bear who woke up everybody else in the house.
It was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was mummy bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspapers and breakfast.
It was mummy bear who set the breakfast table.
It was mummy bear who filled the cat's milk and food dishes,
and it was mummy bear who cleaned the litter box and took the dog for a walk."


"And now that you two have finally decided to get out of bed and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time.......

I haven't made the bloody breakfast yet!!!"

Albie's curious case

Albie was 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.

"Mr Albie, what about urination? Do you have any problems?"

Albie replies, "No doctor, it’s very regular, every morning at precisely 7am."

"And what about your bowel movements?"

Albie replies, "They’re fine also doctor, every morning at precisely 8am."

The doctor asks, "So then why did you come to see me, Mr Albie?"

Albie replies, "Doctor, But I don’t wake up before 10am."

Precaution before arrival of mother in law

Banta took his spaniel dog to the vet.

"Doctor Abraham," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

Dr Abraham stepped back in shock, "Banta, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Actually Sir, my mother-in-law is arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

Deal for elephant

Santa and Banta met in a restaurant for a business lunch.

Santa said, "I have a good deal for you, Banta. When I was in Kerala Zoo recently, I happened to pick up 3 elephants they didn’t need any more. I could let you one for three thousand Rupees."

Banta sipped his gin and said, "Santa, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in a card table. So you think I'm going to buy an elephant?"

Santa said, "I could let you have all three of them for two thousand rupees."

"Aah," said Banta smiling, "now you're talking business!"

customer is always right

Banta was in his usual nasty mood as he goes into a bank and says to the women cashier behind the window, "I want to open a bloody deposit account."

The astonished woman replies, "I do beg your pardon, but I must have misheard you. What did you say?"

"So listen carefully this time, you stupid moron," shouts Banta, angrily, "I said I want to open a bloody deposit account right now."

"I'm very sorry sir, but I won’t tolerate that kind of language," and with that she leaves her window and goes to see the bank manager.

The manager agrees with her that she certainly shouldn’t have to listen to foul language. They both return to her window and the manager says to Banta, "What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"There is no damn problem," Banta says, "I’ve just won 1 crore on the lottery and all I want to do is open a bloody deposit account in this bloody awful bank!"

"Oh, I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?"

Albie and Marry in their 80s

One night, Albie and Marry, both in their eighties, go to Empire Restaurant.

Albie orders just one plate of salt chicken, Mushroom frieds and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Marry just sits there watching him enjoy himself.

Mr Benny, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Marry hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate, Albie puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the table.


“How mean,” thought Benny, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”

So Benny goes over to Marry and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes.”


Marry replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Albie and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.”

“So what are you waiting for?” asks Benny.

“The teeth.”

Banta's Motor bike revealed!!

Wisdom on efficiency from expert

Banta was an efficiency expert and at the end of one of his lectures to professionals, he concluded with a note of caution. "Please don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked Albie, who was in the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," Banta explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, oven, table and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Darling, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" Albie asked.

"Actually, yes," replied Banta. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in 7 minutes."

Mother-in-law's illness

Banta meets Santa in the street. Banta says, “Is it true, Santa, that your mother-in law is ill?”

“Yes.” , replied Santa.

“In fact,I heard that she is in hospital.” queried Banta.

“Yes.”, replied Santa.

“How long has she been in hospital?”, again queried Banta.

Santa replies, “29 more days please G0D and it will be a month.”

Engineer's life after death

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer—you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


(courtesy : sagar masuti)