Banta and the genie

Banta and his wife were out enjoying a round of golf in the greens lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. Banta called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a bald big fellow sitting on the couch.

The wife said,"Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes: one was to be best golfer of the world for the husband. The other was for an income of Rs 1,00,00,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."

Banta and his wife agreed.

After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife "How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff.

Banta and the pirates

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, Banta, the captain and his crew were in danger of being attacked by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, Banta shouted to his First Mate, "Bring me my Red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the Banta's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Everbody hailed Banta.


Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were now TWO pirate group sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but Banta, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

And once again the battle was on. Once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when a fellow mate looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

Banta, smiled and said confidently, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were more pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

Banta, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Banta and the cashier

Banta shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter.

The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?" "Yes." replied the man.

"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." Banta answered.

"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout.

"Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.

"Yes," Banta said, "but I left him home."

"Sorry," cashier said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."

The next day Banta walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here." The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"

Banta replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper please!"

The talking clock!!

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass hammer and a circular Iron disc.

"What's that circular Iron disc for?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a disc. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How' s it work?" the friend asked, looking at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the hammer, gave the disc an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

The farmer and his Amazing pig

A man is visiting a farm when he sees a giant pig with three legs. He goes over to the farmer and says, "how come that pig has three legs?"

"Oh that be a special pig that one" says the farmer, "see that pig, three months ago, while I was coming back from the market I crashed my tractor into the ditch, and I was trapped under the tractor, under water. That pig jumped over the sty wall, ran down to the ditch, grabbed the tractor in it's teeth, pulled it off me, then pulled me onto the bank and gave me the kiss of life."

"Wow," says the man, "But how come it only has three legs?"

" See that pig?" says the farmer, "that be a special pig. Two months ago when I went to the market, my missus come with me, just in case I had an accident like. While we were away three niggers came to the farm and attacked my daughters. That pig attacked the niggers, pulled them away from my daughters, then got my shotgun and chased them across the farm, treed them, then waited till the police came and arrested them."

"Incredible, but why has it only got three legs?", queried the man again.

"See that pig, that pigs special. Last month when I went to the market, my farmhouse caught fire, and my wife and daughters were trapped inside. That pig jumped over the sty wall, broke down the door, charged in to the burning house and dragged my unconscious wife out, then charged back into the smoke to get my daughter, and then again to get my other daughter, then he called the fire brigade, and gave my family first aid."

"Unbelievable, that's fantastic, but why has only got three legs"

"Well" says the Farmer, "Pig like that you don't eat all at once

The farmer and the rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.

"Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.


Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry! You'll kill yourself!"

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A vulture was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "the vulture's getting closer."

Banta and Golden Fish

Santa once visited Banta's house. He saw a acquarium in the hall with two beautiful Golden fish into it.

Santa exclaimed, "What a beautiful Golden Fishes are those!!, Have named them?"

Banta replied, "Yeah I do, The bigger one name is ONE and the smaller one name is TWO."

Santa said, "ONE and TWO, What kind of name are these?"

Banta concluded, "These are very costly fishes, so if ONE dies I still have TWO."

The Amazing Mystic and Banta

Banta was owning a large farm land and famous in the city as animal lover. He was once doing routine cleaning of his dog and at that time an amazing mystic with big bag on his right shoulder and a parrot on his left was passing by and noticed this and became happy.

He approches Banta and says, "You seem to be a good fellow, Can I talk to your dog for a while ?"

Banta replied with sarcasm, "They don't talk I guess, But if you want you can try."

Mystic asked the Dog, "Hi there, How are you and How your owner keeps you."

Dog replied, "Hey I am doing good, He takes care of me, gives me proper meal, takes me for morning walk, I am very happy."

Banta was shocked seeing his dog talking. The Mystic then sees Banta's horse and asked Banta if he can talk to the horse as well. Banta just nodded in affirmation with his mouth wide open in amazement.

Mystic asked the horse, "Hi friend, How are you and how your owner behaves with you."

Horse replied with a smile , "Yeah, I am also well, He feeds me properly, takes me for walk and I am very happy."

Banta was not believing his eyes. The Mystic then saw Banta's sheep and asked him if he can talk to the sheep as well.

Banta gathered his composer and said, "Yeah you can, But remember she is a big liar."

Smart Banta's right choice

Smart Banta , a Pakistani and a Jamican (west indian) were eagerly waiting in the hospital corridor for the good news.

The nurse came out finaly declaring, "Gentlemen, Theres a Good news and Bad one for all of you."
She continued, "Good news is that All of you are blessed with a baby boy and the bad one is that we mixed them and now you need to figure out which one is yours."

Banta hearing this entered the room in hurry and picked the completly black boy in his hand and said Here it is, This one is mine!!

Jamaican got uneasy and added politely, Other two are whites and this is the only black child and also among three of us , I am the one who is black. So I guess this is my boy.

Banta said, "You shut up, Out of those two , one is Paki and I don't want to take any risk."

Life is THE GIFT says REBEL

Friends - Forgive me if the title leads you to the conclusion that I am going to preach you beloveds. I am not and I can't as your friend is still a amateur and learning lesson day by day. I am no scholar , no philospher but a believer. I believe in life and trust that efforts are not lost. I believe in sincerity to oneself and I believe in satisfaction of the deeds.I believe in humanity and finally I believe in myself. How that sounds - REBEL is a believer!! :-)

Someone has said that to be sucessful in this world, Don't work hard but work smart. REBEL says that work hard you will slowly become smart. I am in no way meant here that reader is not smart and examples here are more to the author himself. The sucess to me is the satisfaction at the end of each day's work and thats it. No other measurement is required and you need not have to climb up the ladder to success ;-) .( Those who didn't get , read the jokes from the beginning.)

I would just like to add - Friends lets become aware of things which we all know. Let one bring oneself more closer to one's self and remind ourselves that how wondeful we are!!Lets not regret but accept oneself as one is. Let the seed of love in one's heart develop and blossom into a flower and let the fragrance be the GOD!!

Standying by you
REBEL

The Preist and the Frog

Old Father Mathew was walking through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree.

"My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen.
I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."

The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish.

One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."

"Incredible!" said Father Mathew. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"

"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."

"Well," said Father Mathew, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."

So Father Mathew picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and slept peacefully.

When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would and was lying naked into Father Mathew's bed.

And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence given by Father Mathew himself...

Santa and Banta's Friend died

Santa and Banta's friend Jhon died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Police needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Santa and Banta, were sent for.

Santa went in and the police pulled back the sheet.-Santa said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad.Roll him over, I want to see from behind'.

So the Police rolled him over. Santa looked and said 'No, its not Jhon'.

The Police thought that was rather strange and then he brought Banta in to identify the body.

Banta took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.

The Police rolled him over and Banta looked down and said,'No, it ain't Jhon'.

The Police Inspector asked, 'How can you tell with such confidence ?'

Banta said, 'Well, Jhon had two ass holes.

''What,?- he had two ass holes???' said the Police.'

Yup, everyone knew he had two ass holes.

Every time Jhon, Santa and me went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Jhon with two ass holes....'

The Surgeon and the patient

A man is in the hospital recovering from surgery when the doctor walks in and says,
"I have good news and bad news, the bad news is we accidentally amputated your right leg.

And tomorrow we will have to take your left leg."

"Damn it, doc, what could possibly be the good news?" the guy asks.

The doctor replies, "The guy in the next room wants to buy your shoes."

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later."The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls.......... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

country style politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the oldfarmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how then these politicians lie."

Drop the towel for 800 $

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Contributer - UMA (HR)

The smart Jew kid!!

At an elementary school in Cornwall, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, 'I'll give a shilling to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.'

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Patrick.' The teacher said, 'Sorry Sean, that's not correct.'

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Andrew.' The teacher replied, 'I'm sorry, Robert, that's not right either.'

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, 'It was Jesus Christ.'

The teacher said, 'That's absolutely right, Jacob, come up here and take your shilling.'

As the teacher was handing him the shilling, she said, 'You know Jacob, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.'

Jacob replied, 'Well, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business...'

Nuns at the heaven !!

A Bus with 50 Nuns in it met with an accident and all passenges in it died. All the Nuns soon find themselves in a queue at the gate of the heaven with St. Peter interogating them before letting them in.

St.Peter, "You sister margerette, What crime you have done"?
Sister Margerette, "I have once seen men's sexual organ".

St.Peter,"Oh Thats Ok, Here is the big bowl with holy water, you submerge your eyes into it and it will be purified."
Sister Margerette obliged and then entered into heaven.
St.Peter, "You Sister, Rosemarry and whats your crime"?
Sister Rosemarry, "I once touched it".
St.Peter, "Never mind, Just dip your hand in holy water and You are purified."

Sister Martha seeing all these was getting agitated in the middle of the queue. St.Peter seeing the uneasiness questioned sister Martha, "What is that you want, why you are so agitated"?

Sister Martha, "I just want to gargle my mouth with holy water before sister Maria dip her arse into it."

Santa fooled in the bar!!

Santa walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking.
He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" , replied Santa

"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window."

That's incredible! I don't believe it!" says Santa.
"Here, you try it" he says to Santa.

Santa takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.

The bartender says, "Superman, you're really bad when you are drunk."

A Duck goes to a Bar

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

A Philosopher among the Negroes

A Philosopher from USA is sent into one of the tribal village in some woods in RSA among the Negroes to teach them basic fundamentals of life.

The Philosopher spent quite a time over there educating children and men and gelled among them.

He was having quite a good time until one day a Negro women gave birth to white child.

All the villagers were annoyed on Philosopher as he was only white guy among them. All went to the Chief and asked him to punish him.

The Chief approached the Philosopher and said, "You see, I can't help. I need to punish you. Do you have anything to say in your defense."

The Philosopher replied, "You see Sir, I am not guilty. Sometime nature does surprise you. You see in that field those sheep grazing, All are white except the one in the middle which is black."

The Chief thought for a moment and replied, "OK then, You don't mention about the black sheep and I will handle this child issue."

Old man's marriage wisdom

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v tried to treat her well, spend the money on her, but, the best is that I took her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go to italy and get her back."

Free Hair Cut!!

A man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. After the man received the full treatment -- shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etcetera, he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I will be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still had not returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy has forgotten all about you."

"That was not my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we are gonna get a free haircut

Smart Banta's parking problem

Smart Banta was driving his car in sweat and was very anxious as he had very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

He said to God, "Dear Lord, If you find me a parking place I will give up drinking, will be nice to my family and also visit temple every week."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared to Banta. He said, "Never mind, I got one now !!"

Young Santa as Hotel staff

A hotel manager was giving some advice to his staff about how to cope with embarrassing circumstances.

Suppose one of you enters a room,” he explains, “and finds a lady in a state of undress. Anything you do or say could make matters worse, but there is a simple way out. Just pretend you are short-sighted and say something like, ‘I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'll come back in a minute.’ That will save her from embarrassment.”

The next morning a young Santa was on duty taking breakfast up to a room. He knocks on the bedroom door and receiving no answer, walks in. There on the bed, a couple were indulging in intimate moments. Suddenly, they sensed the waiter's presence and there was a ghastly silence until the Santa remembers the lecture of the day before.

With complete confidence he asks, “Would either of you gentlemen like to have breakfast?”