Banta went to buy curtain

Banta went to a shop that sells curtain. He asked for light blue color curtain.

The salesman showed him quite many varieties but Banta was struggling to chose one.

Finally he choses one with beautiful light blue with white shades.

Salesman said, Thats a good choice sir and then asked what size he is looking for.

Banta replied, "yeah I would like 15 inches long."

Salesman, "Excuse me sir, 15 inches is too small, what kind of room are you preferring for?"

Banta replied, "Its not for any room but for my new computer."

Salesman, "Forgive me Sir, But computers don't need curtains."

Banta, "Oye dear, I have got Windows!!!"

Banta threw a paki from 10th floor

Banta was accused of throwing a paki from 10th floor of a building and his case was heard by the judge.

Judge after hearing concluded, "Banta, You are sentenced to 2 years of imprisonment!!"

Banta reacted, "c'mmon my lord, He was a paki. Thats unfair!!"

Judge responded, "Thats Ok, But it could have hit anybody on the road."

A Sardar finds a magical lamp

A Sardar finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?"

Sardar says "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, in the heart of Delhi city."

The genie looks at him and says "don't be an idiot, do you have any idea how costly the city is? that's impossible. pick something else."

So the Sardar says "I want everyone to stop making fun of me"

The genie says "so this mansion, you want all rooms with attached bathrooms?"

Its not good to be extremist

Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "How much good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in the heaven accordingly".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a BMW and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Once a Punjabi did right

Once a Punjabi, a maarwadi, and a Bengali - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Yamraj, who prepares to let them into Heaven.

The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually, Yamraj relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him 10 thousands.

Punjabi pays his 10 thousand straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left.

Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.

Of course, they don't believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's maarwadi and the bengali?".

"Well," says the Punjabi, "when I left them, the marwadi had him down to 6.5 thousand, and the Bengali was arguing that the government should pay for it as he pays his taxes and roads are not proper which leads to these accident."

Banta goes fishing

Banta was caught carrying a bag of fish one day from prohibited fishing zone.

A police officer catch him and asked, 'Are you aware fishing is illegal here?'

Banta replies 'I wasn't fishing here, these are my fish. Every night I take them down to the water and let them out for a swim then I shout them back and they swim back into the bag'.


'Oh is it, let us witness this' says the policeman sarcastically.

They walk down to the water and Banta releases the fish back into the water.

'Right, shout them back' the policeman says

'Shout back what?' Banta replies

Banta interviewed for signalman for railways

Banta wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.

The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Banta says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Banta, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."


"What if that had been struck by lightning?", asked the Inspector.
"Then," Banta continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?", questioned the Inspector.
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Santa."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because that idiot has never seen a train crash."

Three woman knitting sweater

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this damn sweater!"

The cabby driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

What one wall says to the other???

What one wall says to the other one????
....
what else it could ???
....
....

come on.....

given up..... Ok....

It says, "Lets meet at the corner...." (Vom*** he he)

Once an LA girl

Once an LA girl is walking down the street with her left breast hanging out...

A police car pulls up and says, "Miss, put your left breast back in
your top or i will arrest you"

LA girl looks down and says, "Oh God !! .....I 've left the baby on the bus again".

Banta's strange disease

Banta's wife Pammo goes to her psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband, Banta. He thinks he is a refrigerator."

"That's not so bad," says the psychiatrist, "it is a rather harmless complex."

"Well, maybe," replies Pammo, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."

JESUS vs SATAN

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from the results I shall judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man and woman.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then ten minutes before their time was up lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on and they restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming : "It's gone! It's all GONE!

I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
"Wait!" Satan screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and all mine's gone?"

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES.

Lawyer and the client

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene

Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

call for librarian at midnight

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply.

"And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.

"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

Banta got tennis ball

One day while jogging, Banta noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

On his way to home he met Santa.

Santa asked, ""What do you have in your pocket?"

"Tennis ball?" Banta said.

"Uff," said Santa looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

Man of 80 marries Girl of 21

The event made headlines news in the local paper."Man of 80 marries Girl of 21."

The couple held a press conference after their honeymoon.

"How often do you have sex?" shouted the Journalists.

"Nearly every night!" replied the man.

"Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, Wednesday..."

Banta as Museum curator

Banta has been working as curator in Natural History Museum in London for quite some time.

A man was looking at Dinosaurs bones kept in the museum and asked Banta how old the bones were?

Banta replied: 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.

''Wonder me!' the man said. 'How do you know their age so precisely?'

Banta said 'Well, they were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.'

Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the timemanagement course you sent me to!"

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got herejust in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-relatedstress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how tohandle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you putyour ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at yourdesk........

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in the name of lord' name, Amen."

Contributer --- Ranjith

Man and his wife

A Man was sitting in a fine restaurant when his wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

I said "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Man said, "That's remarkable, I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Kids Joke #1

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now Bantu, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

Bantu: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

A School in punjab

TEACHER: Bantu, go to the map and find North America.

Bantu: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct.

Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Bantu.

Santa Banta as Hunters

Santa and Banta are two avid hunters who got a pilot to take them to Africa to hunt deers. They bagged six. As they were loading them on the plane to come home, the pilot tells them the plane can only carry four.

The Santa Banta objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six animals were loaded.Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck Banta asked Santa, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Banta's wife goes missing

There was devastating flood in Banta's home town and Banta's wife was missing. When the things became slightly better Banta set out to look for his missing wife.

On the way he find another man looking mad for something.

Banta asked, "Hey Friend, What you are looking for" ?

Man said , "I am looking for my wife which goes missing after this flood."

Banta said, "Me too, What a coincidence!! Now we can help each other, How your wife looks like?"

Man, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with curly black hair, blue eyes, long legs, good health, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"The man asked Banta.

"Doesn't matter!! said Banta excitedly, let's look for yours first."

A women and her ugly baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey

Sister Martha

Antony approached Tomy's bar. On the step outside he was confronted by a nun, Sister Martha,

Martha said: 'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this house of ignominity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's bar. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sisters,' said Antony. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Martha. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Antony and into the bar he went. 'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

Banta and his secretary

Banta to his secretary, "Why don't you clean this office, It looks like hell now"

Secretary, "I have figured out this files are 10 years old, should I destroy these files sir, This will make your cabin tidier."

Banta, "Yes sure enough!!, Go ahead and destroy them but don't forget to keep their copies."

Money Hai to Honey hai

REBEL and the Traffic Police

It was the beautiful evening of Saturday and my heart urges for a long drive on the high way to make the day more special. I obliged my heart and set out for a long drive.

There I was speeding on the high way, enjoying cool breeze and I was filled with immense energy as my destination was my journey and I was enjoying every bit of it. My joy was short lived though, There I saw a long rally of vehicles waiting for green signal at 4 X junction. Somehow, driving between the vehicles, on the platform I reached near the junction.

I was amazed to see that all four ways were showing red signals and there was no traffic man around. I was getting very impulsive to zip off through the red signals to the long empty road.
When two - three minutes passed, finally I saw signal changed to orange and I just ripped through the signals and was astonished to see somewhere 100 meters ahead of junction, 4-5 traffic police were hiding in the bush just to catch guys who are breaking traffic rules.


One of them came in the middle of the road shouting like hell and stopped me. I said , I started when signal became orange and it was about to turn green but He shouted back in regional language and I figured out that I am at the receiving end of his anger. My mind framed a good speech quickly which would have been very impressive if at all it was heard but nobody was ready to hear me. And I have learned one thing that arguments are never fruitful.


It was of course a plot to catch people and charge them as you will never find all four signal RED simultaneously at the same time.I learned a lesson though and said to myself, Mr REBEL don't break traffic rules.

I paid 300 rs fine and goes speeding again......

A High tech bar with ROBOT as bartender!!

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...The man was most impressed.

He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Top Gear, the latest football scores, and what to expect of the championship season.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the> question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man slowly drawled out " Uh..... bout 10"


The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "Are... your... people... happy... with... PERVEZ MUSHARRAF ?"

Bush, Blair and Musharraf

George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Pervez Musharraf were relaxing near the swimming pool in a luxurious 6 * hotel.

Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound. President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said George. "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm."

Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand. "

By this time, Pervez Musharraf was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying anything, he quickly goes to his room and returned . When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him incredulously. It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Musharraf's posterior.

When Musharraf saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Oh guys! I think I'm getting a fax."

cute moral story - 2

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

.A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story

1. To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

2. Never copy your manager ;-).

The black african farmer

A black African farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer

didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

Banta in california

Banta shifted to califonia...

One day Banta and his wife were sitting in their living room and Banta said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''

His wife replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

Banta replied, ''No, I'm turning the heater off.''

Banta - The woodcutter

Banta got a job felling trees. And he was paid by results. They gave him an electric saw and off into the forest he went. At sunset Banta returned with the other loggers and they counted their trees.

'I got ninety-eight,' said Ramu.

'Ninety-one me,' added Shyam.

'I only got four,' said Banta.

'Well, I can't understand that,' said the boss. 'Maybe your saw is defective. Pass it here.'

The boss pulled the starting rope and the saw burst into life.

'My God,' said Banta, 'See it is defective, what's that noise?'

Two black eyed man

A man with a black eye boards a plane and notices the man next to him has a shiner too.

1st man says, "how did you get that ?"

2nd man says "Instead of asking the big breasted girl at the ticket counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh I asked for 2 pickets to tittsburgh".

1st man says "I got mine like that to, I want to say to my wife, Give me a glass of water please, but I accidentally said you`ve ruined my life you evil creature!!.

Banta desperate for pee

Banta arrives Dublin airport and is dying for a pee. He makes it to the Gents but there's a huge queue.He sees that the disabled toilet is free so he decides to leg it in before he relax himself.


After relieving himself he's coming out the door, He saw a queue of disabled people everyone staring angrily at him.

Banta looks at his leg and said, "Bloody miracle this country, I can walk now!'.

American for a job in bank

An American man moves to the U.K. to find some work. He manages to find a job in a bank.

On his first day, the boss tells him to sweep up the floor.

"Excuse me? I'm from one of the best colleges in the U.S.A.!"

"Oh, I'm so very sorry!" replied the bank manager, "let me call someone in to show you how to do it."

Banta in a Shopping Mall

Banta spoted a beautiful girl in a mall and approached her and said her, "Hello, Actually I have lost my wife somewhere in this mall, Can you talk to me for sometime."

Lady replied angrilly, "And how that help your cause ?"

Banta, "Actually whenever I talk to beautiful girl like you, my wife appears from nowhere."

.
.
.
.

(sure enough when Banta turned around he spotted his wife staring at him. General Phenomenon.)

Some strange Laws

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet your boss in the elevator.

Banta's lousy habit.

Banta had this ugly habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke and this was ofcourse irritating to his wife. Continous request from wife didn't made Banta change this habit of his.
She used to warn him one day you will fart out your guts instead visit the doctor and get cured.
But Banta ignored.

One Sunday morning as she was preparing the chicken for dinner and Banta was upstairs sound asleep, she though of playing some prank on him. she went upstairs pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of chicken guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual habitual gesture which was followed by a loud scream this time.

About twenty minutes later, Banta came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants and said to her wife.

"Well you were right that I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But with some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Two soldiers different reasons

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

First Soldier: Why did you join the army?

Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.

Banta's wrong number

Banta and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phones rings.

Banta picks up, listens for a few seconds and says, "How would I know, you idiot! I'm not a weatherman , You chuckle head."

The wife asks, "Who was that dear?"

Banta says, "Some idiot asking if the coast was clear."

Banta and the bank robber

A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?"

The hostage replies, "Yes."

The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.

He turns to the next man Banta. "And did you see my face?"

"No, but my wife did!"

Banta - The hunter

Banta and two other guys found themselves in an Island after the ship wreck. They were the only survivors. Soon they set out for hunting for some food. After searching for hours they finally hunted a wild big goat.

The first guy said, "I serviced my motherland in Kashmir for 5 years, So I will eat the head of the goat."

The second guy said, "I serviced in Indore for 6 years, So I will eat stomach of the goat."

Banta was silent for a while and then said, "Well actually I worked in andaman and nicobar island for last 8 years, But I am not very hungry"

Banta on an interview

Banta wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Banta: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Banta: Seven!

Tester: Let`s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Banta: Six.

Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Banta: Seven!

Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Banta : I`ve already got one rabbit at home!

Banta among bollywoods stars

Banta is on holiday with his girlfriend in Mumbai. One night they go out to a club where, as Banta assures his girl friend, they will meet with the stars.

Sure enough the place is full of stars, and everyone seems to know everyone else with "Hi Ash" and "how ya Madhuri" all over the place.

Banta`s girlfriend is decidedly unimpressed that he knows none of these stars, and nobody is interested in talking to them.

On a visit to the toilet Banta finds himself standing beside Shahrukh khan. Banta explains the problem to him, tells him that he has been a fan for years and has all the records and
asks him to help him out.

All he has to do is walk past my table and shout "Howya Banta".

Shahrukh is in a good mood so agrees to do this.

Twenty minutes later sure enough Sharukh walks up to the table where Banta and his
girlfriend are sitting alone talking.

"Howya Banta" shouts Shahrukh.

Banta turns round and says "Will you ever fuck off Shahrukh, can`t you see that I`m talking to my girlfriend?"

Never argue with women who reads

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.


MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

Banta on death bed!!

Banta devoted his entire life to the small village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in.

He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words...."Billu", he said faintly, "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village? Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don't call me 'Banta the Bridge Builder'".

"You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don't call me 'Banta the Hospital Builder'".

"And the only temple (Gurudwara) in town.... I built that too, and they don't call me 'Banta the temple Builder',

but just once I get caught with that goat, I have been known as ............."

A Dog in telegram office

A dog goes into a telegram office and asks to send a message."

I want it to say 'woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof'"

The man says , "You have paid 200 rs and only used 14 words….you can add another one at no extra charge"

The dog says " But then it wouldn't make any sense"

A Bear and a lizard

A bear was sitting under a tree was sipping some vodka which he found some where and was in very merry mood. A lizard approached the bear and asked what is he drinking?

The Bear replied, "Ah, This is magic drink! This makes you feel happy, free you from all your worries"

Lizard said, "Can I also taste the magic drink"?

The Bear gave her some vodka, The lizard drinks it and felt very good. But soon her body demanded some water.

She said to bear that she is going downstream to drink some water. The lizard went near the stream and fulfils her stomach. There he met her friend crocodile who was upset for some reason.she told her friend crocodile that up there in the bush, beneath that tree, there is that bear which has this magic drink which will make you worry free.

The crocodile slowly crawled up and reached the tree and He saw the Bear.

The crocodile asked the bear, "Can I have some of your magic drink"?

Bear looked at the crocodile and exclaimed, "Oh SHIT!! How much quantity of water did you drink"?

The tale of three tortoises

Three tortoises once decided that they will head to some other place as its boring to be at same place for so long and they packed their food and off they go.

On there way there way they found a desert and they traveled for 6 months continuously and still the desert seems to be an unending one. They thought of taking a break and have some nice food before going ahead. But suddenly they realized that they forgot to bring water.

The eldest one declare that we need water after having food so one of us will go back and fetch should go. Nobody wants to go as they fear in his absence food will be over. Finally It was decided with love and force that the youngest one should go. The other two tortoise promised that until he returns no one will touch the food. And off he goes to fetch the water....


Six months passed ... the youngest tortoise didn't return.

1 year passed .. the youngest tortoise didn't return and that left worried faces of the other two.

2 year passed.. and the youngest tortoise didn't return and that was real test of patience for the other two. They assume that the young one might not return now..

And with reluctance they thought that they will have food without water and then search for water in their onward journey.

And as soon as they unwrap the food and put there hands on it... the youngest one jump from nowhere and said, "You bastards, I knew that you will eat the food in my absence that is why I was hiding behind the bush and watching you two from the beginning itself ."

Banta became priest

Banta was working in a stock exchange. He made bogus promises to lot of his friends of doubling their money and collected lakhs of money and absconded to a remote village and started living a simple luxurious life :-)). He seems to be always happy of making so many greedy people fool and always hold a constant smile on his face and seldom talks to anybody.

He then did some donation for upliftment of the villagers. Slowly villagers started believing that he is some extraordinary human being who is always happy and regards him some divine messenger from the GOD.

Lots of gifts , fruits started pouring in his house and then his blessings was also taken by the needers. The villagers then ask him to give some discourses as they eagerly wanted to hear something from him but Banta was reluctant and had no knowledge whatsoever about spirituality.


With constant force from villagers, one day stage was set for Banta to deliver the divine speech.
Almost whole village were present to listen Banta's speech.

Banta came to the stage and said, "Do you know what I am going to talk about?"

The whole villagers echoed, "Yes!!"

Banta said, "No time wasting each others time if you already know what I am going to speak about and escaped."

The villagers were disappointed over their foolishness and urged him once more to deliver the speech on some day.

Banta stood up and shouted, "Do you know what I am going to talk about?"

The villagers this time echoed, "No!!"

Banta said, "If you people don't know what you want to know that shows lack of interest. No point wasting each others time and He again escaped."


And that again left villagers into dissapointed.The villagers then finally became determined that this time we make the divine soul speak at whatever cost.

They convinced Banta again to deliver speech for villagers.

Banta stood up again this time and shouted, "Do you know what I am going to talk about?"

Villagers being smarter this time, worked according to their plans. Half said "Yes" and other half said "NO".

Banta said finally, OK, Those who know share thier knowledge with others who don't know and escaped.

The tale of two different talking parrots

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're bad girls. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're bad girls, want to have some fun?"


One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

The farmer, the sheep and the dog

A Young farmer, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the farmer.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Young man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Young farmer had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Young man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."could you take the dog for a walk?"

The cabie driver and the nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Singh is Kinng (Image)

The DON, the Deaf and mute Guy and Smart Banta

A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Mumbai and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money from traders on the streets of Mumbai.

After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. The DON however soon realises that they are short by about 8,00,000 and went to catch up the guy with their best enforcers to sort it out.

He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can't communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of Banta, poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language.

"Ask him where the money is."

Banta signs to the man who'd been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where's the money?"

The deaf mute replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Banta tells the DON this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector's mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The 8,00,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car."

Banta says to the DON, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and he is not afraid of bastards like you."

Definition of God

The dog looked up it's caregiver and said, "You love me, you play with me, you take care of me, you feed me, you must be God."

The cat looked up at it's caregiver and said, "You love me, you play with me, you take care of me, you feed me, I must be God."

REBEL looked up and said, "You love him, you play with him, you take care of him, you feed him. Aah, He must be dying soon."

Little Jhonny's great outlook

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Little Jhonny sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As ?long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!

Ever Mischievous GrandMas

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet you we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, the grandpa dropped his drawers.

The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn arounda couple of times, then asked him to jump up and down for a littlewhile and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?!?"

The old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,"Because you told us yesterday."

Banta and the genie

Banta and his wife were out enjoying a round of golf in the greens lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. Banta called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a bald big fellow sitting on the couch.

The wife said,"Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes: one was to be best golfer of the world for the husband. The other was for an income of Rs 1,00,00,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."

Banta and his wife agreed.

After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife "How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff.

Banta and the pirates

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, Banta, the captain and his crew were in danger of being attacked by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, Banta shouted to his First Mate, "Bring me my Red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the Banta's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Everbody hailed Banta.


Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were now TWO pirate group sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but Banta, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

And once again the battle was on. Once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when a fellow mate looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

Banta, smiled and said confidently, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were more pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

Banta, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Banta and the cashier

Banta shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter.

The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?" "Yes." replied the man.

"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." Banta answered.

"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout.

"Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.

"Yes," Banta said, "but I left him home."

"Sorry," cashier said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."

The next day Banta walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here." The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"

Banta replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper please!"

The talking clock!!

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass hammer and a circular Iron disc.

"What's that circular Iron disc for?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a disc. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How' s it work?" the friend asked, looking at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the hammer, gave the disc an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

The farmer and his Amazing pig

A man is visiting a farm when he sees a giant pig with three legs. He goes over to the farmer and says, "how come that pig has three legs?"

"Oh that be a special pig that one" says the farmer, "see that pig, three months ago, while I was coming back from the market I crashed my tractor into the ditch, and I was trapped under the tractor, under water. That pig jumped over the sty wall, ran down to the ditch, grabbed the tractor in it's teeth, pulled it off me, then pulled me onto the bank and gave me the kiss of life."

"Wow," says the man, "But how come it only has three legs?"

" See that pig?" says the farmer, "that be a special pig. Two months ago when I went to the market, my missus come with me, just in case I had an accident like. While we were away three niggers came to the farm and attacked my daughters. That pig attacked the niggers, pulled them away from my daughters, then got my shotgun and chased them across the farm, treed them, then waited till the police came and arrested them."

"Incredible, but why has it only got three legs?", queried the man again.

"See that pig, that pigs special. Last month when I went to the market, my farmhouse caught fire, and my wife and daughters were trapped inside. That pig jumped over the sty wall, broke down the door, charged in to the burning house and dragged my unconscious wife out, then charged back into the smoke to get my daughter, and then again to get my other daughter, then he called the fire brigade, and gave my family first aid."

"Unbelievable, that's fantastic, but why has only got three legs"

"Well" says the Farmer, "Pig like that you don't eat all at once

The farmer and the rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.

"Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.


Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry! You'll kill yourself!"

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A vulture was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "the vulture's getting closer."

Banta and Golden Fish

Santa once visited Banta's house. He saw a acquarium in the hall with two beautiful Golden fish into it.

Santa exclaimed, "What a beautiful Golden Fishes are those!!, Have named them?"

Banta replied, "Yeah I do, The bigger one name is ONE and the smaller one name is TWO."

Santa said, "ONE and TWO, What kind of name are these?"

Banta concluded, "These are very costly fishes, so if ONE dies I still have TWO."

The Amazing Mystic and Banta

Banta was owning a large farm land and famous in the city as animal lover. He was once doing routine cleaning of his dog and at that time an amazing mystic with big bag on his right shoulder and a parrot on his left was passing by and noticed this and became happy.

He approches Banta and says, "You seem to be a good fellow, Can I talk to your dog for a while ?"

Banta replied with sarcasm, "They don't talk I guess, But if you want you can try."

Mystic asked the Dog, "Hi there, How are you and How your owner keeps you."

Dog replied, "Hey I am doing good, He takes care of me, gives me proper meal, takes me for morning walk, I am very happy."

Banta was shocked seeing his dog talking. The Mystic then sees Banta's horse and asked Banta if he can talk to the horse as well. Banta just nodded in affirmation with his mouth wide open in amazement.

Mystic asked the horse, "Hi friend, How are you and how your owner behaves with you."

Horse replied with a smile , "Yeah, I am also well, He feeds me properly, takes me for walk and I am very happy."

Banta was not believing his eyes. The Mystic then saw Banta's sheep and asked him if he can talk to the sheep as well.

Banta gathered his composer and said, "Yeah you can, But remember she is a big liar."

Smart Banta's right choice

Smart Banta , a Pakistani and a Jamican (west indian) were eagerly waiting in the hospital corridor for the good news.

The nurse came out finaly declaring, "Gentlemen, Theres a Good news and Bad one for all of you."
She continued, "Good news is that All of you are blessed with a baby boy and the bad one is that we mixed them and now you need to figure out which one is yours."

Banta hearing this entered the room in hurry and picked the completly black boy in his hand and said Here it is, This one is mine!!

Jamaican got uneasy and added politely, Other two are whites and this is the only black child and also among three of us , I am the one who is black. So I guess this is my boy.

Banta said, "You shut up, Out of those two , one is Paki and I don't want to take any risk."

Life is THE GIFT says REBEL

Friends - Forgive me if the title leads you to the conclusion that I am going to preach you beloveds. I am not and I can't as your friend is still a amateur and learning lesson day by day. I am no scholar , no philospher but a believer. I believe in life and trust that efforts are not lost. I believe in sincerity to oneself and I believe in satisfaction of the deeds.I believe in humanity and finally I believe in myself. How that sounds - REBEL is a believer!! :-)

Someone has said that to be sucessful in this world, Don't work hard but work smart. REBEL says that work hard you will slowly become smart. I am in no way meant here that reader is not smart and examples here are more to the author himself. The sucess to me is the satisfaction at the end of each day's work and thats it. No other measurement is required and you need not have to climb up the ladder to success ;-) .( Those who didn't get , read the jokes from the beginning.)

I would just like to add - Friends lets become aware of things which we all know. Let one bring oneself more closer to one's self and remind ourselves that how wondeful we are!!Lets not regret but accept oneself as one is. Let the seed of love in one's heart develop and blossom into a flower and let the fragrance be the GOD!!

Standying by you
REBEL

The Preist and the Frog

Old Father Mathew was walking through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree.

"My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen.
I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."

The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish.

One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."

"Incredible!" said Father Mathew. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"

"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."

"Well," said Father Mathew, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."

So Father Mathew picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and slept peacefully.

When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would and was lying naked into Father Mathew's bed.

And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence given by Father Mathew himself...

Santa and Banta's Friend died

Santa and Banta's friend Jhon died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Police needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Santa and Banta, were sent for.

Santa went in and the police pulled back the sheet.-Santa said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad.Roll him over, I want to see from behind'.

So the Police rolled him over. Santa looked and said 'No, its not Jhon'.

The Police thought that was rather strange and then he brought Banta in to identify the body.

Banta took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.

The Police rolled him over and Banta looked down and said,'No, it ain't Jhon'.

The Police Inspector asked, 'How can you tell with such confidence ?'

Banta said, 'Well, Jhon had two ass holes.

''What,?- he had two ass holes???' said the Police.'

Yup, everyone knew he had two ass holes.

Every time Jhon, Santa and me went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Jhon with two ass holes....'

The Surgeon and the patient

A man is in the hospital recovering from surgery when the doctor walks in and says,
"I have good news and bad news, the bad news is we accidentally amputated your right leg.

And tomorrow we will have to take your left leg."

"Damn it, doc, what could possibly be the good news?" the guy asks.

The doctor replies, "The guy in the next room wants to buy your shoes."

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later."The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls.......... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

country style politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the oldfarmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how then these politicians lie."

Drop the towel for 800 $

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Contributer - UMA (HR)

The smart Jew kid!!

At an elementary school in Cornwall, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, 'I'll give a shilling to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.'

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Patrick.' The teacher said, 'Sorry Sean, that's not correct.'

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Andrew.' The teacher replied, 'I'm sorry, Robert, that's not right either.'

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, 'It was Jesus Christ.'

The teacher said, 'That's absolutely right, Jacob, come up here and take your shilling.'

As the teacher was handing him the shilling, she said, 'You know Jacob, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.'

Jacob replied, 'Well, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business...'

Nuns at the heaven !!

A Bus with 50 Nuns in it met with an accident and all passenges in it died. All the Nuns soon find themselves in a queue at the gate of the heaven with St. Peter interogating them before letting them in.

St.Peter, "You sister margerette, What crime you have done"?
Sister Margerette, "I have once seen men's sexual organ".

St.Peter,"Oh Thats Ok, Here is the big bowl with holy water, you submerge your eyes into it and it will be purified."
Sister Margerette obliged and then entered into heaven.
St.Peter, "You Sister, Rosemarry and whats your crime"?
Sister Rosemarry, "I once touched it".
St.Peter, "Never mind, Just dip your hand in holy water and You are purified."

Sister Martha seeing all these was getting agitated in the middle of the queue. St.Peter seeing the uneasiness questioned sister Martha, "What is that you want, why you are so agitated"?

Sister Martha, "I just want to gargle my mouth with holy water before sister Maria dip her arse into it."

Santa fooled in the bar!!

Santa walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking.
He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" , replied Santa

"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window."

That's incredible! I don't believe it!" says Santa.
"Here, you try it" he says to Santa.

Santa takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.

The bartender says, "Superman, you're really bad when you are drunk."

A Duck goes to a Bar

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

A Philosopher among the Negroes

A Philosopher from USA is sent into one of the tribal village in some woods in RSA among the Negroes to teach them basic fundamentals of life.

The Philosopher spent quite a time over there educating children and men and gelled among them.

He was having quite a good time until one day a Negro women gave birth to white child.

All the villagers were annoyed on Philosopher as he was only white guy among them. All went to the Chief and asked him to punish him.

The Chief approached the Philosopher and said, "You see, I can't help. I need to punish you. Do you have anything to say in your defense."

The Philosopher replied, "You see Sir, I am not guilty. Sometime nature does surprise you. You see in that field those sheep grazing, All are white except the one in the middle which is black."

The Chief thought for a moment and replied, "OK then, You don't mention about the black sheep and I will handle this child issue."

Old man's marriage wisdom

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v tried to treat her well, spend the money on her, but, the best is that I took her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go to italy and get her back."

Free Hair Cut!!

A man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. After the man received the full treatment -- shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etcetera, he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I will be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still had not returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy has forgotten all about you."

"That was not my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we are gonna get a free haircut

Smart Banta's parking problem

Smart Banta was driving his car in sweat and was very anxious as he had very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

He said to God, "Dear Lord, If you find me a parking place I will give up drinking, will be nice to my family and also visit temple every week."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared to Banta. He said, "Never mind, I got one now !!"

Young Santa as Hotel staff

A hotel manager was giving some advice to his staff about how to cope with embarrassing circumstances.

Suppose one of you enters a room,” he explains, “and finds a lady in a state of undress. Anything you do or say could make matters worse, but there is a simple way out. Just pretend you are short-sighted and say something like, ‘I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'll come back in a minute.’ That will save her from embarrassment.”

The next morning a young Santa was on duty taking breakfast up to a room. He knocks on the bedroom door and receiving no answer, walks in. There on the bed, a couple were indulging in intimate moments. Suddenly, they sensed the waiter's presence and there was a ghastly silence until the Santa remembers the lecture of the day before.

With complete confidence he asks, “Would either of you gentlemen like to have breakfast?”

Smart Banta in the bar

Smart Banta one day enterer into a bar and rested himself in a chair. The bartender approaches Banta and asked, "Do you like to have any drink, Sir" ?

Banta replied, "No, I tried drinking once, I didn't like it.... So I don't take anymore now".

Bartender: "Sir, Would you like to have any cigarette or cigar"?

Banta Replied, "No, I tried smoking once, I didn't like it, So I have given up once for all"

Banta then himself added, "Actually I am waiting here for my Son, I have promised him that I will be for him in the bar today".

Bartender replied sarcastically, "I bet sir, He must be your only Son"!!

Smart Banta and his neighbour

Banta got furious when his neighbour telephoned him at 3 am night and complained, "Your Dog is barking so loudly that I can't sleep" and he hunged up the phone.

The following night at 3 am Banta called his neighbour and said, "You idiot, I don't have any dog".

Smart Banta on trial

Smart Banta was on trial before the high court of Australia, for the crime of making sexual advances to an ostrich.

"Before passing sentence," announced the judge, "do you have anything to say?"

"Your honor," said the Smarty, "if I had known you were going to make such a fuss about it, I would not have married the bloody bird!"

Santa in New York

Santa arrived in New York seeking his fame and fortune. As he strolled down the sidewalk he noticed a great long ladder propped against the side of a building, stretching upward as far as the eye could see.

He started to pass on by, but a voice high in the clouds called down, "Climb up the ladder to success!"

Somewhat nervously he began to ascend, stair by stair, all the way to the top of the fifty-story edifice.

When he got there, a slender, blond, blue-eyed boy seated on the ledge of the building smiled sweetly at him.

"Hi, there!" he said. "I am Cess!"

Banta in the theatre

It was after the intermission at the theater, and Smart Banta and his wife were returning to their seats.

”Did I step on your feet as I went out?” Banta asked a man at the end of the row.
”You certainly did,” said the man awaiting an apology.

Banta turned to his wife,”it’s all right, darling,” he said. ”This is our Row.”

Santa and the Surgeon

What does Santa says to the surgen wearing the surgical-mask ?????
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(THink Hard, you can get it!!!!)
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Santa:- Its Ok, You can take your mask off now, doctor, I have recognized you!"

Santa filed for divorce

Santa had been overseas for eighteen months. He came home and found he had a three-week-old baby. His wife explained that she dreamt she had intercourse with him, and she got pregnant.
Santa got furious and filed for divorce. In court even the judge was astounded by the wife's story. He stood up and asked the audience if they had ever had intercourse with a ghost.

In the back, Santa's freind Banta raised his hand. His Honor called him to the bench. "Now," said the judge, "you say you had intercourse with a ghost?'."

"Ah, excuse me," said the Banta, "I thought you say-a goat!"

Santa and the American

Santa and an American are sitting together in a train compartment. The American was eating some apple seeds.

After some time, Santa becomes curious and asks the American, "Why are you eating apple seeds?"
The American replied, "Apple seeds make you smart!"

Santa, even more curious, asks, "Are they for sale?"
The American answers, "Yes, of course, You can have these five apple seeds for twenty five dollars only."

Santa agreed to the deal and starts eating the seeds. Suddenly Santa turns to the American and says, "Hey, you, listen, for twenty five dollars I could have bought five kilos of apples!"

The American turns to him with a satisfied smile and answers, "Now you see -- it has started working already!"

A Frog goes to an Astrolger

A Frog curious about his future and love life went to an astrolger...

Frog :- Sir, Please tell me something about my future, Is there any girl in my life???

Astrologer:- Yeah you will soon meet a beautiful, intelligent and charming girl who will be interested in you and wants to know more about you.

Frog asks excitedly, "And where will I find this girl" ??

Astologer: In Biology Lab!!

Banta furious over 5 year old incident

Smart Banta was beating up a man mercilessly..

A man from the crowd asked Banta, "Why you are beating him"?

Banta: He called me 'rhino', five years before!!

Man: So why you are beating him today, comeon don't dig up the past..

Banta: No Sir, Yesterday only I saw 'rhino' in a zoo for the first time, It looks very ugly!!

How do you ask a rose to go to the moon???

How do you ask a rose to go to the moon????
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Any Guesses???
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Answer> By showing it "gulab"+"jaa"+"Moon"

Banta and the Prosecutor!!

The prosecutor began his cross-examination of the witness, Banta.”

Prosecutor :- Banta, Do you know this man?””
Banta :- How should I know him?”
Prosecutor :- Did he borrow money from you?
Banta :- Why should he borrow money from me?

Annoyed, the judge asked the Banta,
”Why do you persist in answering every question with another question?”

”why not?” said Banta

Santa troubled with baked beans

One Friday night, Santa came home to supper. His wife served him baked beans.
He threw his plate of beans against the wall and shouted, ”I hate baked beans.”’

Santa, I can’t figure you out,” his wife said,”

Monday night you liked Baked beans, Tuesday night you liked baked beans,Wednesday night you liked Baked beans and Thursday night you again liked it and now, all of a sudden, today you say you hate Baked beans.”This is ridiculous!!

Superistion not the way!!

Many of us blindly follow what have been taught to us or what we see around people doing. Sometimes these are pretty absurd but we still follow out of fear.Ofcourse world seems lot better now than earlier and now people are rationalising things.

Somebody asked REBEL: Is it a bad omen that if somebody is going somewhere and a cat crosses the road? Does it really have an affect?

REBEL replied: Now that depends whether you are a RAT or a MAN!!

Psychology of Laughter and PJ

Laughter naturally comes as thunder comes - suddenly. That is the very mechanism of a joke, any simple joke. Why does it make people laugh? What is the psychology of it?

It builds up a certain energy in you; your mind starts thinking in a certain way as you are listening to the joke, and you are excited to know the punch line - how it ends. You start expecting some logical end - because mind cannot do anything else but logic - and a joke is not logic. So when the end comes it is so illogical and so ridiculous, but so fitting, that the energy you were holding in, waiting for the end, suddenly bursts forth into laughter. Whether the joke is great or small does not matter, the psychology is the same.

Thats the motivation, How very scientific!!

Bush and the Pope -- Pictorial

some Little Jhonny stuff!!

Little Jhonny is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Goodbody, and the entire class. They are touring around when Jhonny sees a deer peacefully grazing on some grass.

"Jhonny, can you tell us the name of that animal?" asks Miss Goodbody, pointing to the deer.

"Well," says Jhonny, "I think it is a... I guess it is a..."
"Let me give you a hint," interrupts Miss Goodbody.
"What does your mother call your father every morning?"
"Oh, right!" shouts Jhonny. "It is an asshole!!"

Friends - I am not done yet...

Its saturday late night and I lay in bed half woken , half asleep and then there this pulse draws me out of bed. A moment later I see myself vigorously walking to and fro in the hall. I am not clear though what have made me doing so and this inturn makes my action more vigorous. I prevented my athelitism by forcing myself to a comfortable chair lying in the hall.

There then, tides of thoughts started hitting me from inside. Is this what I wanted to become? Do I like what I do? If yes, then why don't I do something?? What something?? Am I become old enough to zeal out my dead soul?? Couldn't have I lived my past much better ?? ......Wooof!!

Is this sudden rush of blood in my viens as usaul?? And will then this fade again and leave me lead a mechanical life?? Am I insane to have think about all these?? Why thinking past?? Why thinking future?? Did I do anything creative today to have comfort of sleep???

There then I now see a radiant smile on my face. There then something in me loves me lot and takes over turbulence to bring tranquility in me.There I see I lie relaxed and confident and I know that I am not done yet ....

Santa, Banta got drunked

Santa wakes up in hospital, covered in bandages, and notices Banta sitting at his bedside.
Santa :- "What happened to me?
Banta :- "Well," , "You had a few too many drinks last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out of the window and fly around the pub."

"Why didn't you stop me?" Santa screams.
"Stop you?" replies Banta. "Hell, I bet five hundred rupees on you and lost it."

Deadly original PJ2 - Read at your risk..

Friends - This can proove to be intolerant to Non Pjs reader.... Please cooperate...
God Bless me.....

What happens when somebody keeps a bun on top of heater????

Guesss ..............(Right guessers can join author to contribute for this blog.... :-)) )

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ANS>>>>>

It becomes a sardar (He + te(u)r + bun)

he he he ...... . spread it and enjoy looking at the listner's face... :-)

cute moral story 1

Some days can be lucky for the readers when Pjs don't come anyhow... :-)
Let me share a short story which I listened when I was young...

An old lady was searching something beneath a lampost (in the night, lets sat 8 pm :-) ).
A man was passing by saw this and asked the lady...

man:- Amma -- What for your are looking into?
Old Women :- Oh!! Actually I lost my needle and looking for the same.

Hearing this, Man also started searching for the needle along with Amma..., After a while not finding the needle, Man asked the old woman...

Man: Amma, Where have you lost it?
Old Woman: I have lost it in my home.

Man: Amma, So why you are searching for it beneath a lamp post when you have lost it in your home.
Amma: Son, There is no light in my house hence I am searching it here.

Author(:-)) --- Hmmm, S0 the moral is -- come out of your comfort zone and look out of the problem where actually the problem is!!

Everybody ENLIGHTENED!!!

santa getting executed!!

Santa was getting executed on a murder case, The day before police approached Santa and declared.
police : santa , tumhe kal subah 5 baje phansi di jaygi.
santa : ha ha ha ! mein toh subah uthta he 8 baje hun .

My point is exactly the same!!

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point is exactly the same."

How computers greet each other??

How does one computer greets the other one when connected through rsh or ssh????
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No GIFTS for guessing though ( TOI language)
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Ans>

RAM ROM ....

santa's daughter marriage --- PJ1 (copyright)

Santa was a poor farmer and he had a beautiful daughter whose wedding day was approaching. Santa was feeling very embarrased as he had nothing to offer to his only daughter on her wedding day. But then suddenly something flashes in his mind and he became very calm and relaxed.

And finally the wedding day came and santa's daughter got married to handsome farmer of the neighbouring village. And when couple approached Santa for his blessing...... Santa scribbled some letters on white paper with black pen and handed that to the bride as GIFT....

WHY SANTA DID THIS ......... Any Guesseess????????
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Ans

Kyuki kala aksar bhais barabar hota hai..... He He.....

Laughter - The remedy

Hello Everybody!!
:-)) :-)) Ok... Ok.. Hmmm..!! So I begin now.... copyright...... mind ya.

Laughter--- Somebody has said that if you can't laugh at yourself then leave the job for others and to me life has been only this. Laughter has become now integral part of my day to day life and I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded with people who are either source, destination or both of the same. The author himself belong to latter category.

If I take back you to my early school days, I was as expected cute and handsome but shy, emotional and over sensitive. A mere scolding from my beloved teachers let the tears roll down my lovely cheeks and then how I have been teased by my friends for being over sensitive and coward and what not!! I would quickly like my reader to know that I have been excellent in studies and often been scolded for my mischeviosness.

It didn't took much time for me (an average guy surely would have taken several years more perhaps) to realize how silly I am!! Then I laughed my heart out onto myself and there goes my all diseases. Words, weightless words tend to harm me less now. I have been extensively tested with this feature. I am so sure some observant reader must have guessed that author is a software engineer by profession.

I am firm believer that people are tough enough to tackle silly, complicated, unpredictable problems of their life. If not one should seriously thrive for the same.Everybody has problems, No big deal. Nobody has smooth ride through out one's life.What needed though is the change in the way they are tackled.

Let's welcome them with our hands spread as they are our own. Lets help each other secretly, unknowingly, indirectly with the medium of laughter. Lets face each of them with thunderous laughter, Ok, ok depending upon the severity one can reduce the volume. For bigger problems a smile will do!!

signing off for the day...

cheers
~rakesh